Inside the secret lives of swingers

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“A lot of people think it’s the ‘keys in the bowl’… and it’s definitely not.”

Ella is in her late twenties, pregnant with her first child, and keen to clear up some misconceptions about what those in the know about swinging call ‘the lifestyle’.

Her husband, Adam, chimes in.

“Definitely there are no keys, no bowls. There are bowls of punch!”

The couple are baring all in the latest episode of The Good Sex Project podcast, which explores the world of Ethical Non Monogamy (ENM).

At its most basic level, host Melody Thomas explains, ENM is the practice of taking part in romantic and/or sexual relationships that aren’t completely exclusive between two people. The key being, they do it in an above-board, well-communicated way.

Adam and Ella came to swinging as a way for Ella to explore her sexuality. She and Adam got together when they were in their early twenties, and Ella had come from a conservative upbringing which meant she was only just beginning to spread her wings.

An initial conversation about exploring their relationship with other people turned into a few ‘adventures’, which then turned into an active decision to try the swinging lifestyle.

In New Zealand, the swinging community is an active subculture. The website kiwiswingers.co.nz has more than 150,000 members (although the number of active memberships, or accounts which are regularly used, fluctuates. At the moment there are around 15,000).

Swingers can choose to meet up “one on one” (couple on couple), or to attend an event. Adam and Ella’s favourites are swinger’s parties. These parties are just like regular parties, Adam explains, with mingling and gossiping – but with sexual acts going on in various rooms. But as with any social gathering, there are norms and rules, as well as basic expectations of care and hospitality.

“If there are new people, [Adam] will be the one to go out and talk to them through it, explain things and stuff. You don’t just leave people off to the side unsure of what’s going on,” says Ella.

Adam and Ella’s twist on the monogamous paradigm hasn’t been without its ups and downs. But their key to success – no surprises here – is great communication.

“A really, really important part is to communicate everything. As soon as you can, go through stuff. And if something does pop up, and you’re not feeling it, pull [your partner] away immediately. Don’t let the feelings keep festering and festering.”

At the end of the day, Thomas suggests, all of our routes in life and love are complicated.

“Because humans are complicated. And remember that no matter what you choose, the most important relationship you need to look after and be true to, is the one you have with yourself.”

To listen to this episode of The Good Sex Project , use the audio player above or click here.

Hosted by Melody Thomas, The Good Sex Project is a co-production between Stuff and Popsock Media, and made with the support of NZ on Air. The podcast series is about good sex, good relationships, and how to have them.

Follow the show on Apple, Spotify – or any other podcast app – to get instant, automatic access to new episodes. For more content follow @goodsexproject on Instagram.