From ‘black out drunk’ 3-5 times a week to 319 days sober

READER REPORT: The very first time I tried alcohol I was 14-years-old. I was at a party with friends and drunk as much as I could as fast as I could, and ended up vomiting in the middle of a group of people while they stood around talking.

My biggest concern was that I had got vomit on my new shoes. That unfortunately wouldn’t be the last time I would spew on myself. 

From that party onwards I only had one goal when it came to drinking or socialising. Get drunk and get drunk fast. 

At first, it was for fun, but as I got older I started to really struggle with my mental health for various different reasons. Eventually alcohol became a way to escape what was going on in my own mind, and I felt like escaping a lot.

I never really drunk alone, but I would find any excuse to drink, and every time I did, I would get black out drunk. I did a heap of stupid stuff when I was drunk, some stuff I remember, most stuff I don’t. But I was often reminded in the coming days, by being told or apologising to whomever it was that I had upset or hurt because of my drinking. 

I had a few friends that spoke to me about it, but I didn’t really think it was a problem. Not until I became a mother. 

At 23, my son was born, and by the time I was 25 I had two young children and postpartum depression.

My go-to was alcohol, beer to be precise. I drank to numb the pain and the feelings, and the constant disappointment I was to myself. I got into a habit of drinking every second day when I was at my worst. I always needed a day to recover in between, but as soon as I didn’t feel sick any more I would want to drink again. 

From 25 to 37 I went through a constant cycle of getting black out drunk three to five times a week, to abstaining from alcohol anywhere from one week to four months. 

Every hangover was a reminder how much I hated alcohol, and how much I hated myself when I drunk. Every hangover I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again, I promised my children I wouldn’t do it again. Only to have to justify why I was doing it again only a few days later. 

On August 19, 2022 I was drunk for the last time. It’s been 319 days and I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol. I wish I could say that there was a massive turning point, or I finally hit rock bottom and the decision was made. But it was just another attempt, like all my other attempts, to be alcohol-free. Except this time, I did a few things differently. 

The first thing I did was start counselling. Once a month for one hour I spoke to someone and I told them everything. I was honest and vulnerable and got it all out. There were tears, laughter and some life changing realisations. I found that having someone to talk to, that didn’t judge or tell me what to do, made a big difference for me. I would sometimes have activities to do to help heal past traumas but we hardly ever actually spoke about alcohol, more the reasons why I would drink. 

The second thing I did, which isn’t everyone’s jam, is start an Instagram account under another name. I used this to hold me accountable, and also kind of document my journey. It worked for me because after a while my friends and family were following this Instagram account, and it made my milestones real, and the need to stay alcohol-free more present. After six months of using the account I deleted it and posted on my personal account that I didn’t need it any more.

I finally felt that my journey had become a real part of me and was now, in fact, my life. 

In the last 319 days I have been through some amazing highs and some major lows. All experiences that would usually require alcohol either to celebrate or numb certain emotions. But I have held strong.

I still get cravings from time to time, but I’ve realised they come mostly when I am feeling bored. The cravings never last long though, which is helpful. I’m happy with myself being uncomfortable for a little while if it means I’m not anxious and hating myself for a week because I got too drunk again. 

I don’t have a favourite alcohol-free drink either. I never really enjoyed the taste of alcohol, I only ever wanted it for one purpose. So I’m happy to be the girl with the Coke or the lemonade at the party now. I don’t stay out long these days though, mainly because I don’t want to be tempted to drink again, but also because I just prefer to be at home with my family. 

I’m annoyed it took me so long to get sober. But now that I see my life clearly, I know I have so much more to come, and I’m truly excited by that feeling.

No amount of alcohol or amazing night out will ever be able to replace the feeling of a clear head, a clear conscious, and the immense pleasure I get from my life now. 

Where to get help:

Alcoholics Anonymous 0800 229 6757

Alcohol & Drug Helpline 0800 787 797 or email help@aa.org.nz

Gambling Helpline Aotearoa 0800 654 655 or text 8006 (available 24/7)

Higher Ground (09) 834 0017

Narcotics Anonymous 0800 NA TODAY (0800 628 632)

Odyssey Trust 09 638 4957

The Salvation Army Bridge Programme 0800 530 000

If it is an emergency or you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111.