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REVIEW: “I happen to be very lucky to be the Duchess of York.”
Sarah Ferguson opens her new Tea Talks podcast, co-hosted by news entrepreneur Sarah Thomson, with this unctuous sentence, setting the tone for the hour to come – an hour that treats “Fergie’s” peccadillos, perversities, and pet-peeves as highly-prized intel, all aired with faux humility and bizarre non-sequiturs (eg: Fergie makes random shout-outs to her favourite words).
An ugly hour of unrelenting egotism is only made worse by muddled sound design and painful sycophancy.
Meghan Markle’s podcast is a masterpiece next to this.
The worst scar left behind by this hour of word salad, that champions the kind of vaguely aspirational, ‘girlboss’ white feminism mostly ripped from Etsy cushions, is on her co-host Thomson, forced into the role of a paid sycophant.
At one point Fergie leaves to grab a tea, and for 60 seconds she cosplays as a “tea lady”, while Thomson provides a dutiful, hollow laugh.
Sarah Ferguson/Instagram
Sharing the news on her social media, the Duchess of York said ‘it was about time’ the pair ‘spilled the tea’ in the new show
This could be construed as a high point.
“We’ve had all this conversation with not a cup of tea,” Fergie says in horror.
With the exclusive scoop that the duchess doesn’t have milk in her tea, the pair treat us to a 90 second discussion on the word “totty.”
“In the old days wasn’t there a word totty?”
“Don’t you love the word?”
”A tea totty,”
”I think it’s just totty.”
“Gosh that’s better,”
“Isn’t it!”
Kate Green/Getty Images
Sarah Ferguson has said her podcast is a “new weekly podcast about the highs and lows of everyday life”.
A tea might have revived me from my stupor, but it does nothing to dilute the overpowering cringiness of their attempts at relatability (which are limited to the fact they don’t fly private).
Ferguson and Thomson talk about their first meeting on the Greek island of Paxos, which neither of them can accurately remember, and is centred on their shared sniping over another holiday-maker.
They then discuss the horrors of waiting for a ferry in the middle of Corfu – the nadir of their existence, but the birth of their friendship.
Given how the Duchess howls dramatically (“INTERRUPTION!”) every time Thomson starts a sentence at the same time as her, there’s not much to suggest true friendship between the pair.
They both repeatedly sell Tea Talks as their opportunity to talk freely, away from prying PRs, but it’s never made clear what they are talking freely about – the whole hour plays like a teaser for Tea Talks, rather than its pilot episode.
And those pesky PRs would have told the duchess to re-dub her lines in any case, to have some semblance of humility to them – because I can only assume the drivel spouted by Thomson was uttered at gunpoint.
You have simply never heard someone debase herself so much for proximity to royal power.
Once Ferguson has told her off for interrupting, berated her for skipping ahead, and been annoyed by her retelling of stories, she asks Thomson to dish up some more praise. Thomson falls over herself to stand up to the podium.
“You’re just gorgeous as you know and I love you,” Thomson coos.
”You are incredibly bright – you’ll love all this because I’m not going to stop – you’ve got an incredible memory.”
”I’m very happy you thought I was pretty cool.”
”I met you a couple of years before that you wouldn’t remember…”
The duchess – shock! – does not remember.
Around all the sycophancy and bizarre non-sequiturs around tea, they manage to shoehorn in a few more brain dead words of commentary.
Sarah Ferguson and Prince Andrew – Fergie makes no reference to the royal family or their marriage in this pilot.
“No topic is off the table. No biscuit will remain undunked,” reads the tagline for Tea Talks, and while the podcast fails to address Fergie’s time as a Weight Watchers ambassador, that time she sold blenders on infomercials, or her decades of financial woes, we are offered a treasured glimpse into her favourite words and sayings.
“Totty” is one, but her co-host promise up-top that we will also “get to see the real you” means we learn Fergie has a soft spot for the word “resonate”, “multifaceted”, and “jelly babies.”
Thomson praises her “creative” side, but Fergie bats her back, praising Thomson’s creative prowess (she recently redecorated her house in Spain).
“Another phrase I love is that today is the first day of the rest of your life,” Fergie says mid-podcast, which I thought alluded to the fact the “tea spilling” was about to start – but it really just signalled the next round of their back-scratching.
”One of the most incredible business ladies I’ve ever met,” Fergie says of Thomson.
“A podcast is really good because we chat and we love a chat and we really can along the journey of doing this share some thoughts and ideas.” No wonder Spotify didn’t pick this one up, if that was the extent of their elevator pitch.
”I hope the listener can take away real learnings and just sort of… we’re here,” she says, fumbling at the next sentence.
So, bring out the good china, boil the kettle, and tune into Tea Talks – just don’t forget to add your arsenic.
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