There’s no such thing as unconditional love, a psychologist says

Karen Nimmo is a clinical psychologist

ADVICE: Unconditional love is pitched as the dream.

The idea of loving freely, no strings attached, sounds like nirvana – especially if you’re one of those couples going toe to toe every night over whose turn it is to do the dishes.

But, as a psychologist, I think the concept of unconditional love is a rort. It doesn’t belong in romance. The idea that you should love someone “no matter what” is questionable, if not madness.

Yes, it’s good to give love freely, and to look beyond your partner’s minor annoyances and transgressions. It’s helpful to, at least most of the time, focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses.

But loving someone when they persist in behaving in ways that hurt you? Or loving them whole-heartedly and being chill with getting nothing back in return is deeply flawed.

More than that, it’s destructive.

Let’s explore.

When love’s a one-way street

Parenting is founded on the concept of unconditional love.

Parents understand the role is – at times – a one-way street. That it can be a lot of give and little take. That, at certain points of the journey, our kids won’t like us. And despite that, we’ll continue to love them.

Even so, that kind of love can have its challenges. Not all kids are easy to parent. At times they can be hard to like; they can wound us as they reach for independence. Sometimes their actions are just thoughtless or part of growing up. Sometimes– sadly – it’s with intent.

Parents accept – or at least learn to park those complex feelings – as part of the job. We know that loving our kids unconditionally is part of giving them the freedom to make mistakes and explore the world, of raising them to be secure adults.

But when it comes to romantic love the playing field levels out – or, at least, it should. In relationships where it doesn’t, the dynamic becomes unhealthy, hostile or even toxic.

It sets up an environment which hugely favours one partner and hurts – denigrates – the other. And that causes conflict between couples and breeds resentment in the partner carrying the load.

It creates a relationship that:

• Papers over persistent problems.

• Makes room for manipulation and abuse.

• Enables unhealthy or harmful behaviour.

• Means one partner’s needs are dismissed.

All of which is destructive. Not just for the relationship, but for the mental health and wellbeing of the partner on the end of it.

All love has strings attached

Most of us enter intimate relationships with the expectation that give will equal take.

Okay, we might not make a grand declaration at the outset: I expect to get back what I put in. But we believe our efforts will come back to us in one way or another. Or at least that we won’t be the one pouring heart, soul and energy into the relationship while our partner sits happily, and lazily, on the receiving end.

When we do something nice for our partners, it’s human to want something in return – even if we don’t admit it. Few people would give their partner thoughtful birthday presents year after year while never wanting to be acknowledged themselves. Or give their partner multiple leave passes for nights out or weekends away without racking up points for a payback.

Beyond that, loving someone unconditionally is hard. Unless you are some sort of saint, it’s impossible to keep a pure flow of unconditional love pouring into your partner – especially on those days when they annoy the sh*t out of you.

But healthy partnerships keep the tap turned on, much more than it’s turned off.

Successful couples are held together by friendship, especially as the years tick by. Theirs is a bond of mutual affection; they can hang out together, be comfortable saying nothing and share stupid in-jokes. They can give, and ask for, support. They feel safe when they are vulnerable. They’re comfortable, but not bored. Secure, but not trapped.

So have I convinced you?

Unconditional love is a good theory but a terrible goal. Love is a twin investment; if you treat your partner as well as possible, you should expect the same in return.

We all have a right to feel valued and respected, and be treated with kindness, especially from those who are most supposed to love us.

So if you can’t live without unconditional love, get yourself a dog.

No matter what kind of day you’ve had they’ll be there to meet you with their tails wagging and their tongues hanging out.

But don’t expect your partner to do it.