Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets: Luc Besson’s hugely under-rated bomb hits Netflix

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REVIEW: Luc Besson’s sci-fi epic Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets came thundering into the US box office at the end of summer 2017 and limped back out again a few weeks later.

Internationally, the film maybe recouped its budget, but Valerian was labelled a box-office bomb and a terrible warning to anyone who wanted to launch an unfamiliar piece of IP into the crowded blockbuster market.

Which is kind of a shame. I liked Valerian at the time and in the years since I like it even more. In an era where adult sci-fi and fantasy is usually grim and serious, Valerian was a reminder that sometimes just putting on a show and having a laugh can be enough.

Valerian is based on a series of comic books that are beloved in Luc Besson’s France, but which have never really broken into public consciousness outside of Europe. However, like the legendary storyboards for Alejandro Jodorowsky’s never-made Dune, images that look very like the pages of Valerian et Laureline do have a way of turning up in movies, from George Lucas’s Star Wars to Besson’s own The Fifth Element.

As a feat of design Valerian won’t easily be toppled. We save our praise for the gloomy visions of Blade Runner and co., while being dismissive of anything candy-coloured and hilarious. But what Besson and his team have done here is just startling.

Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne teamed-up for Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.

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Dane DeHaan and Cara Delevingne teamed-up for Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.

The opening stanza, featuring Dane DeHaan – who was 31 years old, but looks about 12 – being pursued through a 28th century space station by an intergalactic goon squad, sets the tone for a film that just refuses to ever rest – or play by the rules. If you like your sci-fi at the Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett end of the scale, then you might like Valerian a lot.

The plot mostly revolves around a conspiracy to cover up the destruction of the home world of the people of Mul. All of whom look like the offspring of Kate Moss and a Klingon. The hairless and mostly naked reptilian supermodels got caught in the crossfire of some great interstellar bust-up years before.

It’s all just an excuse to fling DeHaan, Cara Delevingne – as Laureline – and others into a succession of ludicrous set-pieces. The Rihanna-as-shape-shifting-burlesque-dancer scene that is all over the trailers, exists for no reason at all. But it’s been ripped-off and imitated ever since.

On a really big TV, with the sound turned all the way up, Valerian won't be like much you've seen before.

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On a really big TV, with the sound turned all the way up, Valerian won’t be like much you’ve seen before.

At the time of its original release, I said that Valerian was like watching Avatar going to Sesame Street – and I reckon that still sounds about right. Valerian is ridiculous and impossible to take seriously for a second. For anyone who likes their sci-fi to be respectful and sober, this is a terrible film.

But if you just want incredible visuals, witty direction and a very non-American take on the genre, then dim the lights and fill your vape. On a really big TV, with the sound turned all the way up, Valerian won’t be like much you’ve seen before.

Also, it won’t be like anything you see again. Besson wanted to make a sequel, but everyone just laughed at him.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets is now available to stream on Netflix.

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